Dear Friend,

Letting go is difficult isn’t it? Letting go of fear. Letting go of anger. Letting go of hurt feelings. Letting go of the dream … Letting go can be so complicated, whether it is the loss of a parent, spouse, child, pet, friend or significant other, loss is never easy to transition through and it is not meant to be fast or easy. You’re dealing with the loss connection—two spirits wrapped up in skin previously connected on Earth now separated by the physical and spiritual worlds. So, when you decide to finally process that newfound space: your loss—sit with it. Feel it, one moment at a time, allowing waves of emotion to wash over you as your aching heart expresses itself through your trembling and flowing tears one moment, and memories that bring smiles the next.

Yes, there will be friends and loved ones who, not knowing any better and not knowing what to do with your pain will try and rush you through your feelings by saying things like, “It’s time to move on,” as if processing grief had an itinerary. This “encouragement” simply reveals who they really are, because your pain is making them feel so uncomfortable, they just want you to get over it so you can go back to being you, and allowing them to feel comfortable again.

The grieving process is as unique as your fingerprints. Another person cannot possibly know how quickly you should move through your particular loss. It is why a support group of strangers can sometimes be so helpful in your process. The strangers are not there to rush you through anything. Friends and family can often want you to swiftly return to the normal they remember. But others, like you, who have experienced loss have more compassion, as they too are feeling that similar daze of emptiness and emotion you are struggling with. And there is healing in sharing memories of our loved one with others, as it somehow keeps the spirit alive. So, think about it, okay?

But, how do you more easily let go and move on from someone who has been a part of your life and has touched you profoundly in the deepest of ways? You don’t. My friend Dr. Matthew Clark (Dr. Matt) says it’s not about forgetting, it’s about remembering. “We need to remember our mutual love for each other, times spent together, and lessons learned from each other.” You can also share those memories with good listeners who you connect with and who understand.

But I also wonder, what about letting go of a loss that stems from betrayal, as that’s difficult to let go of too. Dr. Matt says, “Ask yourself if there is a way to have any empathy for the person or attempt to understand them, while keeping healthy boundaries with him or her, in order to not allow yourself to be abused, hurt or taken advantage of in the future.” Violations can be composed of hundreds of little indiscretions, expressing themselves through hurt, fear, anger, disappointment, or even revenge, all in the name of something that we should be “letting go” of.

So, what ensnares us and keeps us trapped in this rut? What are we actually losing if we leave? What is it that allows someone to tolerate disrespect and blurred boundaries? Dr. Matt says, “Sometimes in life we dwell on the good things of a job or relationship we know we should leave. We justify it by rationalizing that we have a few friends there, it’s secure and familiar, it’s a comfortable rut. So why then is it so difficult to end something even when we are not happy, even when a new opportunity presents itself, why does it still feel scary? If we dwell on the negative and the what-ifs in life, we will miss out on opportunities. This can apply to relationships also. We might dwell on the positives of staying, we might feel comfortable in this relationship that is not good for us because it feels known or familiar, maybe it is similar to what we experienced as children. But if we take that risk and end the relationship, we may find a person out there that is a better fit for us or experience living life independently for the time being. Both are worth leaving a relationship we know that we should leave and trusting we will find what is better for us in the long run.”

The world can beat you up, so be kind to yourself. The upcoming holidays can be tough. Yes, they are a time of joy for many, but the holidays can also be a reminder of something or someone missing. So, as you reflect on the past year, take in everything the present has to offer because it truly is a “present.” With great expectations and anticipation, move calmly and confidently into the upcoming year taking hold of the wheel of life and steering yourself into the best future and the best you that you can be. Don’t be afraid to grow. This coming year, vow to let go of something that is not healthy for you. Take the steps that allow you to let go, and make room for something new and healthier to come into your life.

Your friend,

Kim

Thanks to Dr. Matthew Clark from the Clark Institute in Grand Rapids for his wise words of wisdom. 

Loss Support Group-Virtual

www.hospiceswmi.org/our-services/grief-support/supportive-drop-in-groups

Reading Resources

www.langelands.com/grief-support-resources 

GriefShare In Person/Online

www.griefshare.org/countries/us/states/mi/cities/kalamazoo



Pet Loss Resources

www.pet-loss.net/resources/MI.shtml