Three quick notes about me: I was, at one point in my life, a natural people-pleaser. I have also had many discussions in the past with my therapist about my inability to ask for help. I also do not enjoy being the center of attention. And I will remark, these are things that are not a good combination to have when it comes to planning or executing a wedding.

My first marriage’s wedding, instead of the small, intimate ceremony or courthouse wedding I had been perfectly content with, turned into a concert venue with over 200 guests invited, and I remember needing to sit down multiple times to catch my breath from all of the talking and running around to see everyone, in my corset. I was barely able to enjoy my reception.

I will say, there were parts that made it a beautiful wedding. It would be one of the last times many of my loved ones would be alive, well and in the same room. It’s unfortunate the marriage did not work out. But, when I look back, I began to notice things that maybe were indicative of what would shadow the end of my marriage anyway, and a reflection of who I truly was at the time too.

And I share these honest experiences as a thought to you, just in case you find yourself in a similar situation.

One, I didn’t speak up.

Instead of trying to compromise for a smaller wedding, I just let everyone decide what they wanted to do. What could have been under 100 guests would get longer as qualifications for who should be there kept expanding. I could have spoken up, but I let it go. A part of me just accepted this was no longer under my control. It was no longer my wedding.

I had some help, but I never asked for enough.

To this day I still struggle with this. Part of it is a control issue. I did have some help from my ex’s mother and aunt who helped with décor, linens and we even made the wedding invitations by hand together. But the bulk of the planning landed on my shoulders. Calls, inquiries, bookings, etc., were me. I also remember bugging my ex to book a DJ, that turned into an incredibly last-minute thing. All this while I was finishing my last two full-time semesters of college for my Bachelor’s degree, and had just started my first full-time job too. I was exhausted by the time we got to the “day.”

I was going through the motions.

I honestly thought this was more of a case of cold feet, and convinced myself of just that. My family’s background with love and marriages is complicated, and a stable example of partnership is difficult to come by. But my feelings were beyond that. I wasn’t excited for the day. I was going through the motions. I had thought about ducking out of it before we said, “I do,” but decided we already had everything done, and it was too late to turn back. Maybe it was just cold feet. Turns out … it wasn’t.

There was an on-going theme of vendors saying “for your second wedding.”

Okay, this one was just funny, albeit a few years later. It started with a sandwich shop we had wanted to potentially cater the day, but they could not accommodate my many severe food allergies. They had said to my ex, “Well, consider us for your second wedding!” I cannot recall the specifics of the couple of other times this was mentioned in the process of planning, but when our divorce did come to fruition, this was an ironically fun joke to fall back on.

I am not a perfect person. I know my ex’s sentiments surrounding the day differ from my overall experience, but we were both in this marriage for different reasons. Thus, why it is so important to be honest and open about things. I hope in going into your special day, you don’t have these issues or reservations. If you do, speak up!

A wedding like this, it is a little bit of a start and sign to how things will work in your marriage. You are a team in life, and this should reflect that partnership. Sure, one of you may be more gung-ho on what will or will not be there, but it will at least be agreed upon that one can pick out everything.

Speak up for what you want. Ask if you need help. If your gut is telling you to change something or something isn’t right, especially with the world in the condition it is still in, then look into it or change it. In the end, this day is about you and your other half. And in some cases, maybe that’s all you really need for one of the most important days of your life.

I know for me, as I go on planning the, I guess, “infamous” second wedding, I keep all this in mind. Making sure our plans and needs are on the same page. When that happens too, you realize, it’s not that difficult to put everything together. It will be about the two of us, and that, is all that matters.

My last little bit of advice: It’s okay to yell at your DJ when he fusses about the table being on the stage and no one can dance, and you tell him the only thing you want is to eat the allergen-friendly wedding cake made just for today, while sitting down, and that table will stay there until you eat it. (And yes, I did in fact, do that.)

Lalita Chemello

Lalita is our Editor, Writer and occasional photog. Her 13 years of writing has landed features with Panorama, published poetry and even a short film. She spends any extra time she can quenching her wanderlustian needs by finding new places to adventure with her other half, writing, or playing with their motorized toys.