Recently I interviewed Jenn Bane, author of the book Friendshipping: The Art of Finding Friends, Being Friends, and Keeping Friends. In 2021 we can connect with people worldwide more easily and more quickly than ever before, but are they really friends? How do we find a friend, and what qualities should we be looking for?

Friendshipping expert Jenn Bane doesn’t believe that there is one single definition of a good friend. One thing Jenn learned about friendship is that it comes down to joyfully sharing your life with someone else. Friendship is joy; it’s comfort, sustenance, protection, and mutual sharing.

Friends can open your world to ideas and concepts. What’s unique about adult friendships and maybe what’s difficult about them too is that you’ll shed friendships throughout your life. You can reconnect with people you haven’t seen in many years, or maybe you drop some friends, and you move on; it’s whatever works for both people.

Advice for Friendshipping

Jenn’s advice for people looking to deepen their current friendships or become a better friend is to communicate. It sounds cheesy, but it really is vital. For example, if you wish your friend would text you back more quickly, or maybe you’d like to see your friend on a video call more often, you do need to say it. Your friends, even your close friends, cannot read your mind. You need to say what you need, and you can say it in a very kind way.

We’ve all had a friend at some time in our life say, “I want to talk to you about something but just don’t know where or how to start.” For my closest friends, I always say, “Aren’t we past this point in our relationship? Just say it. I know your heart. I know the spirit in which you’re delivering the message comes from a place of kindness, not criticism.” Jenn says if a message is delivered in kindness, but they want, need, or concern is received negatively, you may want to re-evaluate that friendship. The word to remember is kindness. Your true friends don’t want to hurt you, they want to make your life easier, and they want to help carry your baggage. They definitely don’t want to make your life harder.

Jenn and her best friend, Trinn Garritano, host the Friendshipping podcast. You may catch them settling a friendly dispute, giving advice on a new friend who has suddenly become a cling-on, or listening to heartwarming stories about what makes decades-long friendships last. The podcast focuses on making friends as an adult, and this can be difficult. Yet she sees it as a skill: something you can get better at, something you can work on. You can get better at small talk. You can get better at being kinder to yourself. You can get better at going to new places.

Who Are your Real Friends?

Your social media page is probably full of friends, fans, and followers, but are they really that? Jenn reflected on how she has very few friends:

“My inner circle is a very close-knit group of my nearest and dearest friends. And while I love all the friends outside that circle, they don’t get as much of my time and attention, and that’s a big part of adulthood. So invest in the friendships that are working rather than the ones on the periphery. It’s okay to be selective about who you spend your free time with.”

I shared with Jenn some of my closest friends are phone friends because we no longer live in the same city. But do phone friends, people you haven’t seen in the flesh for years, count as real friends? Jenn jumped at this one saying, “I think if it feels like a real friendship to everyone involved, then it is a real friendship. There’s no such thing as one single definition of a friend. I have friends I haven’t seen in years, but we still text jokes to each other and stay connected. That’s a real friendship.”

And what about the friends who want to float in and out of your life? How do you know if the friendship is healthy or toxic? Jenn’s advice: “Listen to your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right to return to an old friendship, don’t do it.”

Work Friends

Lastly, we spend so many hours at work and workplaces have rules against it but, what’s your opinion on work friendships? “Well Kim, you know I met the co-author of my Friendshipping book through work, so I know for a fact that you can make close friends with co-workers, and they can feel like family. However, this is extremely rare, and it’s never happened again. For many reasons, we do advocate a cautious approach to making friends in the workplace. Boundaries and respecting someone’s boundaries is essential and having boundaries is not unkind.”

I still believe in a post-COVID world, and when it does arrive, where do we start making friends again? “The best place to start is by putting yourself in the right room, and the right room might be a book club at the library; it might be volunteering at your local food bank or shelter. Put yourself where the people are and just be curious.”



Check out Jenn’s podcast Friendshipping with Jenn & Trin, available through Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or your podcast app of choice.