The month of February, the home of Valentine’s Day, bombards us with images of hearts, candy, flowers and promises of eternal love. But for many, Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a reminder of love lost, broken relationships and on-going arguments with the ex over kids and child support. Unfortunately, some feel the best way to handle their personal anger is to get into a long, drawn-out, ugly court match. The desire for revenge totally blocks out the real need for calm reasoning and common sense.

In reality, a divorce proceeding is not really a good place for revenge, especially where children are involved. When a person uses a divorce battle to satisfy their anger, the only real winners in the situation are the attorneys. The children are the real losers. The money spent on lengthy court battles eats away at the marital estate—taking away the financial resources needed to survive after the divorce.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Divorce Mediation offers an alternative to all of this. A trained mediator can diffuse anger and concentrate on the real future needs, instead of simply rehashing the past. It offers an effective and highly successful process where both parties can vent their anger and grievances in private without bringing children into it, and results in an agreement that you have created—not a judgment forced on you by a judge or lawyer.

One effective mediation technique is to have the couple imagine the conversation between their children at high school graduation about how they had raised them after the divorce. Did they put

the kids first and develop an effective parenting plan? Or did they simply use them as pawns in their personal battles? It can be a sobering exercise.

The mediation process helps the divorcing couple work out a parenting plan that will work best for them, and most importantly, for their children. Statistics have shown that parenting plans worked out in a mediated divorce have a much higher compliance rate than those imposed by a court – which will happen if you take the fight there. The court decides what will happen – not you.

When working with couples in mediations where the anger and tension is high, it is important to provide a controlled way for them to express their emotions so they feel that they have been heard. Both parties must have the sense that they have had the chance to vent their grievances.

The benefit of mediation is that the venting is done in a private setting without the extreme tension and expense of a public court fight. The process helps them go forward to create a better working relationship for their future and the future of their children.

If you are considering getting a divorce, think about using mediation – it can create a better future for you and your children.

Jeff Murphy is an attorney and mediator with over 35 years of experience in business, divorce, family law and corporate legal matters. His practice, Mediation Services of Southwest Michigan, has served clients throughout southwest Michigan and Grand Rapids for the past 15 years. For more information on mediation and how it can work for you, visit www.JeffMurphyMediator.com.