Difficult emotions and distressing thoughts aren’t exactly what we hope to spend our time thinking about every day. 

It is very natural to want to avoid or delay thinking about them so we don’t have to deal with the discomfort they can bring up. We often say we don’t have time or other resources to deal with them. That may feel very true depending how long we’ve been avoiding them and likely, avoiding them feels like the “normal” or “natural” way to deal with them. 

Many of us have been able to avoid emotional difficulties around family, friends, the public, leaving home in “real” clothing, and eating around others. With the holidays around the corner, it may be a good time to consider what the cost of avoiding dealing with these thoughts and emotions has been for you. In the long run, avoiding difficult thoughts and emotions does not bode well for our mental health and only helps them to grow and take over more of our happiness. 

There are a number of thinking strategies that we use to avoid painful emotions or thoughts. Understanding them and identifying which ones we use helps us become more aware of when we use them as an avoidance tactic. Some of the most common are blaming (yourself, others, the world), over-analyzing (yourself, the situation, others), and imagining (escaping, revenge, suicide). Worrying, dwelling, or fantasizing are also common thinking strategies. We may also try to distract ourselves with substances or food. We are not always aware of when we are using these, yet they appear helpful in the moment. See if you can pick out your top three go-to thinking strategies for avoiding dealing with a tough emotion or situation. 

Consider now the thoughts or feelings you would most like to be rid of. Maybe it is a pain or sensation in your body that you have been avoiding and would like to see go away. Perhaps you are thinking of a traumatic memory from a long time ago. Anything counts if you have been avoiding it. 

Next, list or think about all of the ways you have tried to avoid these unpleasant thoughts, feelings, sensations or memories. Refer back to the thinking strategies listed above. Did you use one of the top three that you previously identified? Can you identify any trends in how you use avoidance as a coping skill?

Now, consider if any of these strategies eliminated your painful thoughts and feelings in the long term. Has avoiding brought you to a more connected and meaningful life experience? Likely, the answer is no. Now the challenge is to ask yourself, what has this avoidance cost me? Time, energy, relationships, money, authenticism, values, career, or opportunities may come to mind. Avoiding may bring short-term relief, but never truly addresses the underlying problem. 

Finally, we need to make room for different strategies by letting go of the ones that fail to serve us. Which strategy are you willing to let go because you can identify it has not worked? What uncomfortable emotion or memory can you make room for, knowing it will help in the long run? What have you attempted to control that you can now greet head-on? Focus on what you want out of this (ex. inner peace) rather than what you feel like you need to hang on to.



Acknowledging that we all have tough emotions and difficult thoughts that we are struggling with is a compassionate place to start on this journey. No one is exempt from this suffering. We do all, however, have the opportunity to reclaim what avoiding has cost us.